What to Do When They’re Not Ready for a Relationship

I have often gotten the response “I am not ready for a relationship” and I believe I am not the only one who has received this response. However, after a lot of personal research, I discovered that when someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship, it most likely means that they don’t like you enough to be in a relationship with you.

You might want to ask them why they said they are not ready for a relationship but experience has shown that doing so might be just a waste of time. And you may end up ruining any chances of friendship you have left with that person.

It therefore means that you need to be able to understand the possible reasons why they said they are not ready for a relationship, without questioning their decision too critically.

Understanding what it means when someone says they are not ready for a relationship often requires you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If it were you, why would you tell someone who likes you that you are not ready for a relationship?

Recently, a friend reached out to me on how he can deal with romantic interest from someone when he is not in the same headspace. He raised concerns about not exactly knowing how to address the situation without hurting the other person’s feelings or breaking the friendship they shared.

After what he was trying to say, I shared with him that it is always safer, to be honest with yourself and the other person if you don’t want to hurt either of you. Being honest with yourself is about establishing why you feel you are not ready for a relationship, and communicating it mildly is what being honest to the other person entails. Of course, he found my response very helpful.

Whether you are on either side of the divide; being the one who likes the other or the one who is not ready for a relationship, this post will explore all you need to know to handle such a situation.

What It Means When They’re Not Ready For a Relationship

As already stated, to be able to understand what it means when someone you like tells you they are not ready for a relationship, you need to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Why would you tell someone who likes you that you are not ready for a relationship even when you are acting in a friendly way?

Here are some reasons why someone who likes you may say that they are not ready for a relationship.

1. They don’t like you enough

The number #1 reason why someone may tell you that they are not ready for a relationship is that they don’t like you enough. See it as they telling you that they are not ready for a relationship with you. They appreciate you and value your friendship but do not feel ready to enter a relationship with you.

Life is about priorities. People have many things taking their time and attention, and if they feel they don’t like you enough to share their precious time with you, it could be a reason why you’d get that response from them despite your interest in being with them.

2. Their career pursuits make them unready

Is the person actively pursuing their career but you are very serious about settling down? A study published in 2020 revealed that 47% of people who aren’t looking for a relationship or dates right now cite having other more pressing goals or important priorities as the main reason for not seeking romantic involvement.^[1]A profile of single Americans | Pew Research Center

Romantic engagements come with a lot of emotional baggage and also require some extra attention and care. Someone pursuing a career may feel they are not ready to handle that at the moment which could be why they would tell you that they are not ready for a relationship.

3. They are not fully emotionally healed

After a painful breakup, most people usually take some time to heal and move on. During this period, they may not be in the headspace for a new relationship even when they seem to like you.

Breakups can come with a feeling of grief and loss, sometimes with feelings of self-doubt and loss of self-identity. This is why many people would prioritize fully getting back themselves over entering a new relationship just to feel better.

Secondly, statistics have shown that 41% of people try to get back their ex after a breakup and 60% are willing to get back to their ex after being dumped. If for any reason, this person still has something going on for his/her ex, it might be a reason for telling you that they are not ready for a relationship at the moment.

4. They are looking for something casual

A profile of single Americans showed that 53% of singles are open to both kinds of relationships, either committed or casual. Of the rest that prefers either committed or casual dating, up to 20% are looking for casual dating, and 28% looking for a serious relationship. For some people, it is a fear of commitment.

Also, women daters (36%) are significantly more likely to be seeking a committed relationship than men (22%).

While it seems like more singles are focused on finding a serious relationship than casual dating, the index person you are talking with might be looking for a casual relationship and not want a serious relationship at this time.^[2]Ibid., A profile of single Americans | Pew Research Center

5. They are not financially prepared to handle relationships

Every relationship requires some financial obligations, especially when you are the partner who takes up more financial responsibilities. As part of the personal priorities why people don’t feel ready to enter a relationship is the desire to make enough money to sustain themselves, and their family, and take care of their partner when they eventually enter a relationship.

This could be a reason why someone who likes you would tell you that they are not ready for a relationship.

What to do When They Are Not Ready for a Relationship

Based on general information, as much as 70% of individuals would experience significant emotional distress when told by someone they like that the person is not ready for a relationship; 40% would respond by withdrawing emotionally of distancing themselves from the person who is says not ready for a relationship; another 30% may attempt to persuade the other person to reconsider; while 20% seek an explanation.

It can be very disappointing when someone you like tells you that they are not ready for a relationship. This can be even worse when you see that there might be a chance the person likes you too but is just not ready. But on the bright side, you should appreciate them for being honest with you.

Here are some ways to respond.

1. Accept and respect their decision

While reflecting on the possible reasons why they said they are not ready for a relationship, you need to be willing to accept their wish. Try to avoid making assumptions like, “At this stage, you should be ready now”, or “What are you looking for that you would not be ready for a relationship”. These may sound offensive to the person.

Instead, seek clarity and minimally ask questions about what they mean. Their response will give you a better perspective about which of the above reasons is behind their idea of not being ready at the moment. Avoid probing too hard if they refuse to share everything you want to know.

They saying they are not ready for a relationship is not enough reason for you to hate on them. It is a great thing they are honest with you, rather than playing with your emotions. Yes, it is natural to withdraw and face your feelings but get back to terms once you are back to yourself.

2. Understand and rechannel your feelings

You need some time to process your feelings and rechannel them. Begin by telling yourself that you deserve better and that they are not the only person for you left in the world.

Think back on how you started talking before you got so close to each other. Think about how your feelings may have changed over time, as well as reflect on how their feelings have changed too. Reflecting on your feelings can help you know how to rechannel them away from someone who does not want a relationship with you.

For example, ask yourself “How did things progress?”, “Were there any signs that their feelings weren’t as strong from the onset?”. These will help you see how you might have missed their cues about the unreadiness, and this can help you detach emotionally, focus on your own well-being, as well as avoid repeating the same mistake with another person in the future.

3. Set boundaries

Someone who said he/she is not ready for a relationship might still want to keep a good and beneficial relationship with you. However, in the light of recent events, you might have expected too much from the relationship.

While you take time to re-evaluate and re-calibrate your feelings, set healthy boundaries with them. This could be by letting them know that you need time away from them physically and emotionally.

It is easy to get caught in an emotional gray area where you continue interacting with the person despite knowing fully well that they don’t want a relationship. They may even ask for sexual intimacy or want some companionship/emotional support from the relationship, but these can create confusion and make you invest your emotional energy unnecessarily.

Thus, you need to set boundaries to avoid sending and receiving mixed signals from someone who clearly does not feel ready to be in a relationship with you.

4. Focus on yourself

Focusing on yourself will help you find fulfillment and satisfaction in your personal and productive life. You don’t need to depend on someone else for your happiness.

Engaging in meaningful activities can boost your self-esteem, foster resilience, and provide you with a sense of accomplishment. These help you shift focus from the recent rejection to other important aspects of your life.

Focusing on yourself involves investing in your passions, skills, career, and well-being. It also involves rebuilding relationships with your friends and family and making new healthy relationships.

While engaging in your passion projects and skills can act as distractions away from the person who is not ready for a relationship, it can serve as a source of personal fulfillment as stated above.

5. Reciprocate the energy

As discussed above, their reason for not being ready for a relationship could be due to unreadiness for a serious relationship, in which case they might really love to spend their life with you only that they are not emotionally ready.

In the absence of any other deterring reasons like being preoccupied with career and other personal stuff, and you are still open for a relationship, only give them as much energy as they give to you when they make it clear to you that they are now ready for a relationship. Avoid putting too much energy into rebuilding the relationship when they are not yet invested in it.

6. Move on when you have the opportunity

If you find someone who is ready for a relationship, and you like him/her enough, be open enough to allow them a place in your heart. This is why taking time to understand and rechannel your feelings is a necessary step. It allows you to recognize the signals that someone is truly ready for a relationship or not.

Whether the person had genuine reasons for not being ready for the relationship you hoped, you cannot wait for them to complete whatever is keeping them, particularly when they did not display any signs of commitment. Therefore, you should be ready to move on when you find someone who likes you and is also ready for commitment.

7. Talk to someone if it makes you feel better

If at any point you feel like you need help getting over someone who says they are not ready for a relationship, don’t hesitate to discuss it with a trusted person. Even more preferably, consult the services of a relationship therapist who would guide you into what you need to do during that phase without being biased or judgmental.

How to Tell Someone That You Are Not Ready for a Relationship

Telling someone that you are not ready for a relationship should be such a hard thing. But it can be hard when you feel like doing so may hurt the other person. However, it is important to state that honestly opening up to someone who is interested in you that you are not ready for a relationship is often better than pretending to care.

As stated in the introduction, telling someone who likes you that you are not ready for a relationship requires you to be honest both to yourself and the person. How exactly do you feel about them? What makes you think you are not ready for a relationship?

Understanding how you feel and why you think you are not ready will help you know how to process your feelings, as well as communicate them to the other person. For example, you might think you are not ready simply because you are scared of commitment. If you understand this, you can be able to take some time to process your feelings and get back in line.

The bottom line is, that it becomes easier to communicate your thoughts without causing additional confusion or pain to the other party when you have honestly thought about your feelings. Also, it is important to be sure you have processed your emotions and not simply reacting out of fear or anxiety.

Communication is key. It is selfish to withhold from not telling them what you feel. By being plain and not actively trying to hide it due to some gains you anticipate from the relationship, the other person knows what you want and how you feel, enabling them to take the right actions to avoid getting too hurt in the end.

Final words

When someone you like says they are not ready for a relationship, it is important to accept their decision and understand why they said so. It could be that they don’t like you enough to date you.

Other reasons could also account for this feeling of unpreparedness for a relationship. They could be pursuing a career, yet to heal from a past relationship, etcetera. However, you need to give time to process your feelings to ensure that you move on fully from the hurt after they tell you about their unreadiness for a relationship, probably with you.

If you are on the giving end, it is important to communicate your feelings clearly to reduce the hurt the other person experiences.

If you have experienced this before, kindly comment on your most painful experiences of when someone you like told you they were not ready for a relationship and how you dealt with it.