I know that it can sometimes be hard to find the right way to tell someone you are in a relationship with that you are no longer interested. Maybe all you wanted was a casual romance but it turned out he/she has fallen in love with you. It could also be that recent events in the previously sweet relationship have changed how you feel about him/her.
In any case, calling it a break should not be so difficult and cruel. You have to find a way to break up with your partner whom you loved in the nicest possible way so that the breakup does not necessarily turn you both into arch-enemies.
I once experienced a painful breakup when an ex simply refused to say anything or have any contact with me. If you are thinking of simply avoiding him/her, this may not be the best way to break up with someone.
This post will show you how you can break up nicely and respectfully with your soon-to-be ex.
Why do Breakups Occur?
Breakups are inevitable in most relationships. Helen Chen, a bestselling relationship author, conducted a study stating that over 85% of dating relationships in the United States end in breakups, and about half of the remaining 15% that survive into marriage eventually end up in divorce or separation.[1]Helen Chen’s Love Seminar: The Missing Manual that Will Make Your Relationship Last Review
There are many reasons why one may feel the need for a breakup. Partners may grow emotionally apart in the relationship, they might begin to see incompatibilities over time, or have “unresolvable issues”. Other reasons for breakup include cheating, spousal abuse, disunity, external influence to break up, and previously unidentified incompatibilities.
Why Breaking Up is Difficult
Breaking up with someone you once loved or still love is often a difficult thing to do. Sometimes you are not sure if it is the right thing to do. What if he/she is the one for you? Thoughts like this begin to flood your mind.
Another reason why a breakup can be difficult is that you are afraid it might hurt them so much. Because of this, some people who want to break up with their partner end up postponing the action until much later, which would further worsen the pain and hurt eventually.
Many times, you need not second-guess yourself when you have the feelings to break up with someone. Something deep within you could be guiding you on what’s best for you because when you find someone you are meant for, thoughts of breaking up will rarely cross your mind.
No matter how difficult breaking up with someone can be, if you have strong feelings about doing so, here are ways you can do it nicely and respectfully.
How to Break Up With Someone Respectfully
Breaking up with someone is similar to breaking bad news to someone. As a health worker, this is one of the things I am trained to do in the setting of the loss of a loved one in the hospital.
This is also similar to delivering bad news of job termination to a worker, and you will see how the same steps apply to breaking up with someone you once loved. Here, we will see how to break up with someone most nicely and respectably possible.
1. Be clear on your reasons
Even though you are having feelings of breaking up with your partner, you have to establish your reasons before you break up with him/her. This is similar to a medical case of breaking bad news to a loved one, where the doctor needs to assess the deceased before letting them know the situation.
You should ask yourself why you want the breakup and be able to outline the reasons why you need to proceed with it. It doesn’t matter if the reasons look self-centered or not. As long as you have them at the back of your hands, that will suffice.
Once you have the reasons clearly stated, it will make it easier for you to tell your partner these reasons during the breakup. Remember, clearly outlining your reasons for a breakup is key to breaking up most nicely and respectably possible.
2. Establish the appropriate setting
You don’t want to jump right at it. Breaking up with someone is a decision you need to plan adequately for if you want to be nice and respectable about it.
The place and timing matter. So, you should plan the place and time that would be right to break up with your partner.
This requires patience and sensitivity. For example, you don’t want to break up with your partner on his/her birthday simply because you have the urge to do so at that time. Taking time to plan adequately for the breakup shows that you care about the feelings of your partner and emphasizes your commitment to breaking up respectably.
Breaking up physically is always preferred than breaking up over a phone call. However, if you have explored other options and feel that the latter is the only way available, you can go ahead of break up with your partner despite
However, if is not possible to see yourselves soon, there is nothing wrong with breaking up on the phone as long as you are sensitive about it.
3. Be direct but mild
Being direct in this sense means you are not beating around the bush. When you tell your partner about the discussion, they might already suspect something unusual, which is why you need to come out clearly with your decision and reasons.
Here is an example: “Thank you for honoring my request for this meeting. I also thank you for the wonderful time we have had in this relationship. But after careful consideration, I don’t think I’d like to continue in this relationship anymore. I know you are a wonderful person but I am no longer getting my happiness in the relationship. I have tried several times but it’s not working. Hence, I am discussing with you on my decision today”.
After saying this preamble, you want to pause a bit to hear from them. This is where we talk about the next important thing when having a breakup – empathy.
4. Demonstrate empathy
Taking pauses allows you to acknowledge your partner’s responses during the breakup. You want to listen to them speak too. This makes your partner feel respected and this will make him/her respect your decision too.
Trying to blame or fault your partner during a breakup is the worst way to break up with anyone. That leaves you both in a perpetual conflict even for years after.
He/she may not be able to challenge your decision at that time because of his/her ego. This is normal. However, when he/she eventually looks at your reasons and how respectable you were during the breakup, they will make a resolve not to hate you for it.
Breakups rarely end in a physical outburst but common emotions are crying, moodiness, and depression. You should show that you are willing to support/comfort them if they need you to stay strong. This is done by demonstrating empathy and understanding of what your words and actions are making them go through.
5. Allow them to speak their mind
Sometimes, some people try to break up with someone simply by ignoring them. Maybe they think the other person does not deserve to speak their mind.
Ignoring someone as a way of breaking up with them will make it harder for them to understand why you are breaking up with them. This is a harsh and very disrespectful way to break up with someone.
Things to do After Breaking Up
After breaking up with your partner, you need to take action to help you and your partner go through the pain of a breakup. Each of the following things will be helpful to you or your ex following the breakup.
1. Maintain boundaries
Maintaining boundaries is important for your ex to heal and move on from the breakup, and for you not to begin rebuilding what would end up breaking up again. After the breakup conversation, you should give your ex sufficient time to get over the relationship.
Avoid visits or contacts that can lead to sex like kissing, cuddling, and hugging, especially during or just after the breakup. A breakup sex can have more serious emotional consequences than you imagined.
Being too intimate with your ex after a breakup can remind them of the good old memories, making it difficult for him/her to move on from the breakup.
2. Take care of yourself too
Whether you are the one who initiated the breakup or it was your partner, both of you will be hurt as a result of the breakup. You will miss your ex sometimes, and you will wish the breakup never happened, but the relationship is no more. You have to move on and do so quickly.
In being respectable and focusing on your ex’s feelings, you also have to take care of your own feelings. One way to do this is by getting rid of things that remind you of your ex.
Common Breakup Mistakes People Make
There are some common mistakes people make when they are contemplating breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Here are a few of some of those mistakes. Knowing these will help you make a breakup easier and milder for you and your partner.
1. Avoiding the discussion but acting out toxicity
I once saw a conversation on Instagram about a guy who had been toxic to his girlfriend because he was tired of the relationship, but refused to break up the right way.
Here are the screenshots:
Not having the conversation because you want them to end it themselves will make it harder for her to move on when she eventually realizes that she was been loyal to a fault in the relationship.
If you think you are no longer interested in the relationship, it would be milder and nicer to let your partner know how you feel. That way, you make it easier for your partner when the relationship eventually ends.
2. It’s okay to take a break
I once had a breakup inadvertently because I told my ex I needed a break to figure things out. It was a long-distance relationship and I felt I was doing more than her to keep the relationship alive. The moment I felt very tired, I decided to call her to discuss a break with her, without the intention of a permanent breakup but it turns out people don’t have temporary breaks in their dictionary.
Taking a break literally means having a temporary pause to understand the issues properly and find ways to solve them. Even seriously committed partners may occasionally ask for a break to understand certain things with a clear head.
However, it turns out that partners will naturally misinterpret having a break as a milder way of telling them you are breaking up. So, if you intend to simply take a pause and continue thereafter, you should come straight with it and thoroughly explain what you need from your partner.
3. Breaking up at any slight opportunity
No relationship is a bed of roses, there are always undesirable experiences in between. The kind of commitment you need in a relationship is the one that allows you to overlook and tolerate small errors without going about breathing out threats of breaking up.
If you fantasize about a perfect relationship, you might never stay in one for a long time. And if you truly decide to break up with your partner, it shouldn’t be at any slight fault or mistake, or simply because you just felt like doing so after waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
4. Venting off old offenses during a breakup
Truly, there will be old offenses your partner may have committed against you in the relationship but a breakup is not the time to vent off all the things they did to you. You should make a breakup feel like a way to express your disinterestedness in the relationship, irrespective of their shortcomings or otherwise.
Venting off old offenses during a breakup can make your partner infuriated and annoyed during the conversation because no one is perfect. If they decide to bring up your wrongs too, there might be many volumes of the book. And besides, there is always someone who would not take those ‘so-called’ offenses as anything serious.
Hence, you should end with your decision to break up with them and state the reasons that concern you personally. Remember, a breakup is not always about what you or your partner have done wrong. Sometimes, it can be a result of perceived incompatibility or simple unwillingness to compromise for your partner.
5. Asking a third party to do the breakup for you
It is not ideal to ask a third party to do the breakup for you. That is disrespectful and harsh. If you are certain about having the breakup, plan the time and the appropriate setting to discuss it with your partner. This is a milder and more respectful way to break up with your partner.
If you are far away and still need to get the breakup so that both of you can continue with your lives, it is not out of place to break up over a voice or video call. But the same principles stated above should be followed, and you should avoid breaking up over a text message or chat.
6. Telling someone else about the breakup before your partner
When about to break up with your partner, let them be the first to know about that decision. It is disrespectful to let others know about the breakup before them. Your partner will feel very bad when they get to hear about your breakup plans from someone else despite how close they are to you.
7. Breakup is not the end of friendship
I saw a question on Quora about whether it is good to keep a friendship with an ex. Here is my reply;
Yes, it is perfectly fine to remain friends with an ex after you both has healed from the breakup. That is why you should have a respectful breakup in the first place.
Being an ex doesn’t mean they should remain your enemy for life. You may not necessarily be close friends but you must avoid making serious enmity with your ex. It breeds competition and comparison, and that’s not necessary.
I don’t think a breakup should be the end of a friendship. If you respect each other, and the other person’s decision to leave your life, you should take it too personally to turn him/her into your arch-enemy.
8. Spreading false information about your ex after a breakup
Some people choose to defame their ex after a breakup thinking that ruining their image makes them feel better. But that is a sign of immaturity. You don’t need to defame your ex, and if the stage is not right for a continuous friendship with them, you have every right to remove them from your life completely.
Even if your ex had some bad sides, it is not in your place to ruin their public image simply because you are no longer with him/her.
A fantastic piece. Please tag me on facebook to it. Thank you.