Relationship anxiety is not such a common phrase to many people, but the experience is one that many people can relate to. For example, you are in a relationship with a great person who loves you as much as you love them. Years have gone by and your commitment to and trust for each other deepens by the day, and you have learnt to understand each other to the fullest.
However still, you sometimes still find yourself asking questions that suggest that you are still in doubt about your partner, or about their commitment to you despite how much they have proved it to you.
Honestly speaking, it is normal to have relationship anxiety particularly when the relationship has stayed in one spot for too long. It is very important that partners in a relationship a willing to take the relationship to the next level as early as possible, otherwise, relationship anxiety kicks in for one partner or the other, or both.
In short terms, relationship anxiety may be described as a feeling of worry, insecurity, and doubt about your relationship even when everything is seemingly going well in the relationship.
Relationship Anxiety and Its Sequelae
Relationship anxiety sets up a cascade of events that begins with thoughts about the uncertainty of the relationship and progresses to a full-blown expression of doubt and insecurity in the relationship. Many people who have relationship anxiety do not know they do. However, relationship anxiety may be considered normal in certain stages of any relationship.
Descriptively, every relationship can be seen to transit through four stages:
- The stage of attraction and infatuation: is the stage when the partners meet each other for the first time. This stage is characterized by attraction and curiosity about getting to know the other person more.
- The stage of love and emotions: is when the feelings are raving and the love hormones fire every given second. This stage is characterized by the lovey-dovey butterfly feelings of love when you think about your partner.
- The stage of trials and tribulations: is when the hormones begin to wane in their effects. Relationship problems become more frequent and the tendency for a breakup becomes higher.
- The stage of commitment: when the relationship has developed strength and resilience from the previous stages.
This is a simple illustration of the stages of every relationship and how relationship anxiety relates to them. It is expected that at the beginning of any relationship when you have not understood much about your partner, you are more likely to feel uncertain about the relationship. But as time goes on, you begin to get confident about your partner and the relationship you share with them.
What is worth noting here is that relationship anxiety can be a major problem if it persists beyond the early stages of the relationship during which it may be considered largely normal.
This idea was also supported by Astrid Robertson (a psychotherapist and relationship expert) who added that this is because people are often unsure of their partner’s genuine interests in them and the relationship at the early stages. However, one common trigger of relationship anxiety is when you begin to question yourself “Do I deserve my partner”?
Major Causes of Relationship Anxiety
There is no specific cause of relationship anxiety. However, some of these may be contributory.
1. Low self-esteem
As already mentioned, feeling low self-esteem or undeserving of your partner is one of the commonest triggers of relationship anxiety. When low self-esteem sets in, it brings about feelings of insecurity and relationship anxiety which manifests as you not deserving of your partners
Research has suggested that people with low self-esteem are more likely to doubt their partner’s feelings. They start thinking that someday their partner would leave them for someone seemingly better. Low self-esteem is projected to other people in such a way that feeling worthless about yourself can make it easier for you to believe that your partner and other people feel the same about you.
2. Previous relationship experiences
Every one of us is gifted with an extraordinary ability to forget unpleasant situations from the past, but sometimes, these memories linger in our minds because they caused a tremendous impact on us when the events occurred. Experiences with previous relationships can affect how we behave or respond to things in our current relationship.
For example, if you once had a cheating partner who deceived you into making you fall hard in love with him/her only to dump you much later in the relationship, you might have a higher chance of being anxious in your relationship.
Other experiences like abuse, lies and dishonesty from your ex-partner, and exploitation, can affect how you react to situations in your current relationship even when you have made significant efforts to move on.
3. Nature of inquisitiveness
Not everyone has the ability to let things go without questioning them. Some people are very inquisitive but this can be a problem if not properly handled, especially in relationships. It is good to pay attention to actions, words, and gestures by your partners as these could inform you of what is bothering their minds, but being too inquisitive can make you develop relationship anxiety.
If you naturally question things to the last point in your relationship, that is itself a sign of relationship anxiety, especially if you do so in order to establish if your partner no longer loves you or if they do.
The decision to be committed to the relationship with your partner is an act of faith, love, and hope. There will definitely be challenges but if you begin to focus on those challenges, relationship anxiety can blind you from not seeing that your relationship is heading in the right direction.
4. Attachment style
Just like inquisitiveness, attachment style is a natural predisposing factor for relationship anxiety. Attachment style refers to a person’s specific way of relating to other people when they are in an attached relationship with you.
The psychologist, Mary Ainsworth, and psychiatrist, John Bowlby, in the 1950s developed the attachment theory, which described that a person’s attachment style is shaped during early childhood experiences and is a reflection of our relationship with early caregivers – parents and family members.
To digress a little, children tend to have attachment styles between a spectrum with two attachment styles at the extremes; the fixed and secure attachment styles. Children with a fixed attachment to their parents, especially their mothers, have an insecure attachment style. Those who have a secure attachment style merely see their parents as a secure base and are more confident to explore the world and other relationships.
Despite the potential for change, there is a strong relationship between one’s childhood attachment style and one’s attachment style in adulthood. Four attachment styles have been recognized for adults, as follows:
- Secure – autonomous;
- Avoidant – dismissing;
- Fearful-avoidant – ambivalent/unresolved;
- Anxious – preoccupied.
The tendency for relationship anxiety is highest for the “anxious” attachment style, and lowest for the “secure” attachment style. The avoidant” could have problems deciding to get committed in their relationships. The “fearful-avoidant” not only avoid commitment but also express their fears that something might go wrong in the relationship, even when everything is seemingly fine.
5. Trust issues
It is not hard to know when you have trust issues. Trust issues commonly refer to one’s inability to trust other people including those who have given them enough reason to trust them. Lack of trust is usually due to issues related to past experiences, low self-esteem, attachment style, etc, and it can negatively affect your hope in the relationship and your partner.
Signs that you have Relationship Anxiety
The presence of these major causes of relationship anxiety discussed above might predispose to relationship anxiety but does not necessarily mean relationship anxiety must develop if you have one or more of them. It, therefore, becomes more important that you know the signs that you have developed relationship anxiety or have developed it.
Relationship anxiety often begins with you asking yourself a series of rhetorical questions about your relationship. “Will things last between us in the relationship”, “Am I sure he/she is the right one for me”, “What if he/she is hiding something from me”, “What if I am being deceived”, “Am I capable of maintaining this relationship”?
Over time, relationship anxiety can lead to significant distress to you or your partner, lack of motivation, emotional exhaustion, and physical signs like nausea, stomach upset, etc.
We can now look closely into the signs that you have relationship anxiety.
1. Wondering if you matter to your partner
When you trust your partner, you can confidently affirm that they got your back no matter what. You can then easily agree that you matter to them. However, when relationship anxiety sets in, you begin to lose your confidence if you matter to your partner or not. It is normal to feel so sometimes but when it is getting too regular and burdensome, you should know that you may be developing relationship anxiety.
What is your answer to the following questions?
- Will my partner miss me if I am not around?
- Would they offer help or support if anything serious comes up?
- Are they with me just because of what I can do for them?
If your answer to the above questions is yes, you are in a secure relationship but if it is not, you might be having relationship anxiety. According to Astrid Robertson, the most common expressions of relationship anxiety are those related to the questions of “Do I matter” or “Are they there for me”, reflecting the fundamental need to connect, feel belonged, or be secure in a relationship.
2. Doubting your partner’s feelings for you
If your partner has previously expressed genuine feelings for you but you have suddenly become doubtful about how genuine his feelings are lately, something might be going wrong. It is possible he may have changed, and you begin to feel that they no longer mean it when they tell you “I love you”. However, another possibility is that you are developing relationship anxiety.
Relationship anxiety makes you interpret trivial actions or inactions from your partner as a sign that they are no longer genuinely interested even when there is countless evidence to the contrary.
3. Worrying if they would break up with you
A breakup is inevitable for most relationships but that doesn’t mean yours will end up with a breakup. A good relationship gives you the unwavering confidence that everything is going to work out fine but despite this, sometimes the unexpected happens.
When there is turbulence in such a relationship, one might take action to forestall the problem. For example, if you feel that your partner is cheating, you might go too far trying to overcome the problem. This can naturally make you anxious about the direction of the relationship.
Be it in the presence or absence of such turbulence, relationship anxiety makes you feel like if you don’t take drastic and rash actions toward your relationship, it might end up soon.
If you feel like wreaking havoc to restore sanity in your relationship, or if you have been recently thinking your partner will break up on you if you do nothing, you might be having relationship anxiety. What you do need to know is that you don’t need to do anything different, or be anything else other than yourself for your partner to keep loving you. There is room to develop into a better version of yourself and you must quit worrying that your partner might leave you for no reason.
4. Doubting long-term compatibility
One clear sign of relationship anxiety is that you begin to doubt if you and your partner are truly compatible. In real terms, relationship compatibility is a product of your commitment to each other in the relationship. What this means is, you will continue to remain compatible with your partner as long as you are committed to them, and vice-versa.
You can tell that you are gradually developing relationship anxiety when you start focusing too much on minor differences you didn’t recognize earlier.
5. Putting up unnecessary behaviours
Of course, when you have feelings and questions going around in your mind, you would act them out someday. To you, you are putting up these behaviours because you want your partner to sit you down and assure you that you are safe in the relationship. But if your partner doesn’t understand your need at that particular time, your actions can have serious but unnecessary consequences on the relationship.
For example;
- Picking up heated arguments at the slightest conflict of opinion.
- Testing relationship boundaries, e.g, having lunch with an ex without your partner’s knowledge.
- Pushing them away when you are in distress and they are trying to help.
- Doing things that they hate the most just to test how they will react, and to determine if they truly love you.
None of these things is hardcoded in stone. It is not entirely out of place to act in any of those ways to one’s partner but when the actions are premised on relationship anxiety and feeling of insecurity in the relationship, it can result in the demise of the union.
5. Misjudging their words and actions
Relationship anxiety raises your tendency to overthink your partner’s words and actions even when they do not mean any hurt. It makes you take casual words and gestures as significant triggers for malice, jealousy, or anger. In other words, relationship anxiety makes you create a mountain out of a molehill to the extent of jeopardizing your relationship with your partner.
6. Lack of happiness in your relationship
Lack of happiness in your relationship is one of the cardinal indicators that something is going wrong in the union. In severe cases, it could mean an impending breakup.
Relationship anxiety takes away your happiness in the relationship because you constantly find yourself expending your joy and energy over trivial things you should worry about in the first place. As it should, it begins by worrying over just a few things but progresses to worrying over everything else until you have lost all your happiness in the relationship.
If you are currently experiencing a lack of happiness in your relationship as well as other signs of relationship anxiety discussed above, you need to find ways to save yourself and your relationship. The next section will show you some helpful ways to handle relationship anxiety in your relationship.
How to handle Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety can feel very hard to overcome and honestly, it could take considerable time and effort but it can be overcome. Handling relationship anxiety goes beyond trying to change your partner into behaving the way you want him to. It primarily involves helping regain your self-consciousness, and self-confidence, and letting go of some aspects of your past in and outside the relationship.
To overcome relationship anxiety, you need to ask yourself these two basic questions;
- Am I spending more time worrying about this relationship than enjoying it?
- What exactly do I worry about?
These questions help you know the root causes of your anxiety in the relationship and how to fix them. Specific ways to handle relationship anxiety will be discussed here below:
1. Maintain your identity
In the course of the relationship, you might have experienced subtle changes that may affect your original identity before you met your partner. Key aspects of your individuality and independence naturally shift gradually to accommodate your partner and sustain the relationship. While these compromises and sacrifices are necessary for any relationship, it is easy to allow them to alter your self-identity.
Losing your sense of self in the relationship does not produce good outcomes in the end. It could have been what caused the loss of self-esteem, or fears about your partner not being interested in you any more. But as much as you want to sustain your relationship, you must do your best to maintain your identity, the “you” that your partner fell in love with.
Summarily, take time to reflect on how you have changed over time and work to regain your identity.
2. Identify your worries
Earlier in this section, recall I mentioned how important it is to identify what you are worried about in the relationship. Relationship anxiety makes you worry over insignificant things but if you take a pause and rethink, you would realise that those things are not worth your stress at all, and that can allay your fears.
If you find out that your worries have a significant bearing on your relationship and are not merely a product of your anxiety, you should address them with your partner in a discussion.
3. Try being more mindful
Mindfulness involves focusing your awareness on what is happening presently and making judgments without bias. It is a state of detaching the present from the past.
Oftentimes, we judge events and actions based on what happened many months or weeks ago, when we should be focusing instead on the present. This can allow negative thoughts to encroach into our minds. Being mindful and positive helps you to block those thoughts and enjoy your relationship with your partner without a need to feel anxious about it.
4. Practice good communication
On effective communication rests powerful solutions to your problems of relationship anxiety. Relationship anxiety is a problem intrinsic to you and not necessarily because your relationship is not doing well. You are just the one having strange feelings. Even if your partner has a role to play in it, there is only one way to find out how things are going – a healthy discussion.
A healthy discussion with your partner helps you dissuade your fears and identify the real problems. It also makes you know the challenges of your partner as they open them up to you as well. This can be very helpful in modifying how you feel or act in the relationship, or to modify your partner’s behaviours that fuel your anxiety.
A healthy discussion should be non-accusatory and polite. It should be with an open mind to take corrections and work on unwanted behaviours that get you or your partner worried. As a tip, using “I” statements can help you have great discussions. For example, instead of saying “You’re been so distant lately and I can’t take it”, say “I feel like there has been some disconnection between us lately, and it makes me feel you are withdrawing yourself, or your feelings have changed”.
While the discussion goes on, explain your worries to your partner and allow them to do the same. This can help you handle relationship anxiety when all other things fail.
5. Avoid acting on your feelings
When you have relationship anxiety, you try to seek validation from your partner if they still care about you. It is okay to seek validation from your partner and this can help you identify bigger problems when you truly see your partner gradually losing interest in the relationship. Even if it’s true that your partner is losing interest, becoming anxious can make you escalate things beyond normal.
If you act based on your feelings, things can go worse to the point of great pain and regret, and that can jeopardize your relationship. So you must resist the urge to act impulsively on your feelings.
Pay attention to your behaviours and become more deliberate about your actions. If you notice that you have suddenly become impulsive or uncontrollable, – for example, acting in a way that makes you seem suspicious, take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you are deserving of every good thing in your life and relationship.
Also, distract yourself with other things you love doing and speak with a friend or family. If these do not help you get over relationship anxiety, the last point below should.
6. Talk to a therapist
Sometimes it can be hard to deal with relationship anxiety on your own. For a majority of people, these tips above can help them overcome their relationship anxiety but for others, talking to a relationship therapist is what they will need.
If you feel that nothing is changing about how you feel in your relationship, talk to a therapist, or at least someone you can confide in. A relationship therapist specializes in handling matters of the relationship presented to them by couples or partners. A therapist can help you understand your own feelings better, as well as your partner’s feelings and emotional needs.
You can confide in your therapist without fear of judgment or criticism. This alone is therapeutic. Also, seeing a therapist does not cost as much money as you might think and a few visits may be sufficient. In fact, a study by Christine and Donald suggested that a single session with a therapist can help couples deal with relationship anxiety.
The bottom line
Relationship anxiety is a problem that must be solved because it can negatively affect your relationship. There are identifiable factors that can make you develop relationship anxiety. There are signs you can use to tell when someone has relationship anxiety. What is important is, there are ways to handle and overcome relationship anxiety if you developed it for any reason.
When everything else fails, talking to a relationship therapist can be very helpful in dealing with relationship anxiety. A therapist makes the atmosphere conducive for you to express your inner feelings without judgment or condemnation, and their services are relatively inexpensive.
Finally, you deserve a happy relationship free from worries and anxiety. And I hope this article has helped you identify if you have relationship anxiety and offered you sufficient tips on how to deal with it in your relationship.
