10 Proven Steps to Get Over a Breakup and Move On

If you are going through a breakup, I know it can be considerably hard to get over your ex and move on after the breakup. I have had my own experiences too, so I can relate.

A breakup can make you feel void as though you’ve lost yourself and everything you valued; most of the time, you find yourself asking many questions about why the breakup happened when you thought the relationship was going to end well.

The experience of a breakup can make you see your ex as heartless and wicked because of the pain it elicits. But even when you are the one who called off the relationship, you would also share in the pain. This is why breaking up with someone in the nicest way possible is the right thing to do.

A breakup can occur in different ways. Whether it is a sudden unexpected breakup or a long-time anticipated end, or it is simply an experience of falling in love with someone you think you could be with, the experience is basically the same. While healing from a breakup might seem impossible, with time and the right strategies, you will be able to heal and come out even stronger than ever before.

No one expects a breakup which is why it feels so painful. Sometimes, you just want to wallow in the pain because you can’t imagine anything else. But breakups can teach you some valuable lessons you’d forever be thankful for.

Interesting Facts About Breakups

Just before we see proven steps to heal and move on after a breakup, let me show you some interesting statistics about breakups.

1. The average person will have around eight to nine relationships before finding “the one”. And the older you are, the longer your relationship is likely to last.
2. December 11th is unofficially considered Breakup Day because a survey has shown that most breakups occurred on that day.
3. Men are more likely to break up with their girlfriends if they cheat than women when their boyfriends do the same. Women are more likely to break up if they are not getting emotional satisfaction from the relationship.^[1]Science-backed facts about breakups – Indiatimes
4. The longer your relationship has lasted, the less likely it is to end in a breakup. After the first year, the success rate increases to 50%, and by the end of the fifth year, the likelihood of ending happily ever after further increases to 80%.^[2]20+ Interesting Breakup Statistics in 2024 (Must-know Facts) – Tech Report
5. Most breakups are predictable; meaning that you may be able to predict if a relationship is likely to end in a breakup even before it eventually happens.^[3]The Science of Breakups: 7 Facts About Splitsville – Live Science
6. Long-distance relationships usually last around 90 days or longer, and most end before the end of the first year.^[4]3 Harsh Facts About Long-Distance Relationships – Knowseeker
7. It takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal from a breakup, and it might take closer to 1.5 years (17 months and 26 days) to recover after divorce, if not longer.^[5]How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup? Statistics – Knowseeker
8. People recover from breakups about twice as fast as they’d expect, and they aren’t nearly as devastated by the breakup as they’d predict it to be.^[6]The Science of Breakups: 7 Facts About Splitsville – Live Science
9. Men have a tougher time coping with a breakup than women.^[7]Science-backed facts about breakups – Indiatimes

What Makes a Breakup Feel So Painful?

There is an inner desire in all of us to feel loved and to love someone who loves us. That, when you find someone who shows that they are interested in you, it makes you want to give them your love too.

In loving someone, you commit to being with them for as long as it takes. You also compromise on most things you once upheld as your standards. You basically give up yourself just to make them happy. This sacrifice is what makes a breakup very painful when the relationship ends.

The closer you get to each other, the more painful the breakup will be. Even if you are the one who pulled the breakup trigger (initiated it), you would still feel some pain or miss the other person when you think about the times you had together. It is because of this pain of breakup that many people are afraid to fall in love after experiencing a heartbreak.

While everyone experiences some form of pain after a breakup, it can teach you important lessons on how to better protect your heart next time, and handle a breakup when it occurs again.

Proven Steps to Heal and Get Over a Breakup

Getting over a breakup can be very difficult for obvious reasons. Knowing the steps to heal after a breakup can make it less difficult for you. Recovering from a breakup comes naturally over time. The goal is to keep yourself strong enough to go through the experience while you gradually heal from it.

Here are some key steps to heal and overcome a breakup.

1. Allow yourself to grieve

One common mistake most people make after having a breakup is moving on too fast. This is referred to as a rebound or rebound relationship, which is a strategy to quickly replace one’s ex with someone else to reduce the pain one feels.

A study done in 2014 showed that moving on too fast too soon can provide some soothing effects after a breakup but that such individuals were still somewhat enmeshed in the previous relationship, and they had more contact with their ex even after moving into a new relationship.^[8]Claudia C. Brumbaugh, R. Chris Fraley – Too fast, too soon? An empirical investigation into rebound relationships This is because grieving is a part of healing, and not healing properly will keep you under the influence/control of the past relationship without learning all the lessons the breakup has to teach you.

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, healthfully navigating through the phases of grief is a better way to deal with emotional losses like a breakup. These phases involve denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.^[9]5 Stages of Grief® – EKR Foundation

Denial is what makes you say things like “This can’t be happening. Maybe it’s just a temporary issue like the ones we’ve had before.” Anger makes you express regrets about how many compromises and sacrifices you’ve had to make for your ex. This might make you ask questions like “How could he do this to me after everything we’ve been through?”.

Navigating through these stages of a breakup requires you to muster confidence and look for a way forward, instead of wallowing in guilt, regret, or grief from the heartbreak. Subsequent tips would also address some of the stages of grief highlighted above.

2. Accept the situation

According to the Kubler-Ross model, acceptance is the final stage of grief but the application is that the faster you accept the situation, the faster you will heal from the pain. While denial and the other stages are normal experiences during a breakup, you should learn to take your ex by their word.

Some people try to rationalize into thinking that their ex didn’t mean it when they said they were breaking up, or that the whole situation is just a dream. But if you want to heal faster, you must wake up and accept the situation as fast as possible.

3. Give yourself a closure

The first question that comes to your mind when someone is breaking up with you is, “Why are they breaking up with me?”. Sometimes, your ex may try to find you an answer when you ask them during the breakup but that leaves you with even more questions when you leave.

Some exes make it even harder by not giving you a good closure to satisfy your curiosity. This is why you need to give yourself the closure you have been looking for, instead of asking incessantly why exactly your ex had to break with you.

Common closures I find highly effective include the following:

• He/she never deserved me.
• He/she does not love me enough to stay with me.
• It wasn’t meant to be.
• There was someone they loved more but I would find someone who loves me more.

4. Avoid trying to get back your ex

After the stages of denial and anger/regret, the next stage is usually the bargaining stage. This is when you start to think you can change things. You might begin to believe it was your fault or say stuff like “If I had done something differently, you’d still be together with your ex”, or you might think if you talked with them again after the breakup, you might give the relationship another try. In reality, however, wishing or acting in ways that suggest you want to get your ex back can hurt you more than you imagined.

For example, trying to call them too often because you want to get another chance with them might make it harder for you to move on, particularly when they ignore your calls, and texts, or cut off any contacts with you. Instead, put yourself together and hold yourself from ever attempting to contact them or try to get them back into your life.

According to a recent survey of 4534 participants aged 18 to 55, 32% of exes return together. Of these, only roughly 18% have stayed together for over a year after reconciling.^[10]Max Jancar. How Often Do Exes Get Back Together (Exact Survey Results) – The Good Men Project Only a very small proportion of exes come back together and what is the odd that it won’t end in another bigger breakup or early divorce eventually? Whether you think you can make the case of successful exes who lived happily ever after, understand that you don’t have to force your way to make that happen.

5. Get rid of things that remind you of him/her

Getting rid of physical reminders is one easy way to quickly get over a breakup. You cannot easily recover from heartbreak if you still wear your ex’s T-shirt or look at things that remind you of them. If you cannot destroy them or discard them, keep them away until you have fully healed from the breakup.

Keeping objects or digital memories of your ex where you can easily see them is like pouring salt into an open fresh wound. It triggers the pain and makes it feel worse than before. Allow yourself time to recover, and getting rid of physical reminders can help speed up the process.

6. Cut off communication

Sometimes, you may feel a need to contact your ex after a breakup. These are times when you either feel lonely, or you just miss some of the good times you had with your ex. Resist these urges as they can make things worse.

It’s either your ex respectfully reciprocates the communication with you or they ignore you completely. Either of these is likely going to end making you feel more hurt and pain.

If they communicate freely with you without ignoring you, you may start feeling attached again. You might subsequently share some intimate moments, maybe even have sex with them, but the chances of a repeat heartbreak occurring shortly after this are very high. Repeating the same experience is not a good way to heal from a breakup.

If on the other hand, your ex ignores your calls, chats, or physical conversations, this might leave you feeling more empty and heartbroken. You want to be able to live your life without them and remain happy doing so.

7. Spend time with friends or make new ones

Spending more time with your family and friends can help you feel better during a post-breakup period. Studies have shown that we have a limited capacity for simultaneous thoughts. Thus, what we think multitasking is, is actually task-switching.^[11]Multicosts of Multitasking – PMC^[12]Multitasking: Why Your Brain Can’t Do It and What You Should Do About It – Radius (MIT)

The implication of this for getting over a breakup is that when you engage in conversations with other people, your brain switches its attention away from the heartbreak, making you feel better until you heal fully from the breakup.

If you do not have any friends, this is a great time to make new ones. But this time, avoid romantic interests, rebound relationships, or some backup companion. You just want to be around friends who engage you throughout the time you spend with them. Doing so can help you

8. Discover or revisit your hobbies

Another proven way to get over the pain of a breakup is by discovering and revisiting your hobbies. Doing the things you love can bring you happiness, joy, and satisfaction which can mask the pain from a breakup.

Discovering your hobbies involves looking into yourself to find things you naturally love doing. And once you start engaging with them, you’ll soon forget that a breakup ever happened. Hobbies give you a sense of inner satisfaction and happiness which supersede what you get from someone else.

9. Find your passions and improve yourself

A breakup can teach us valuable lessons about life and relationships. While they can help you mature faster emotionally, they also hold great opportunities for personal development if you approach it the right way.^[13]Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups – PMC

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t deserve you can drain you of your passion but when the relationship ends, it is time to continue your search for your passion.

The questions that follow a breakup, “Why did they break up with me”, “What did I do wrong”, “What didn’t I have”, and others, can spur you into self-improvement. While discovering and pursuing your passions can help you heal, it also makes you a better and more refined person post-breakup.

10. Give yourself time

Statistics have shown that it takes an average of about 3.5 months to get over a breakup and the beginning of recovery of positive emotions takes about 3 months or 11 weeks.^[14]How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup? Statistics – Knowseeker This shows that recovering from a breakup does not occur overnight, especially when you are new to relationships and breakups.

If you are finding it very slow to move on after a breakup, you need to acknowledge that it can take some time to fully heal after a breakup. Remember, you are the best version of yourself, and that not everyone will stay in your life. Those who leave were not meant to stay, but those who would stay will come your way in no time.

One door shuts, another opens. The courage to move on from the shadows and recognize the rays of light right ahead is what anyone going through a breakup needs. In the end, you will find someone who will make you feel grateful that the breakup happened. Give it time.

Valuable Lessons a Breakup Teaches

Instead of jumping into a new relationship quickly or trying to get back at your ex or make them jealous that you have moved on with your life, think about how you can improve yourself. Trying to pass the hurt back to your ex only makes it harder for you to get over the breakup.

If you face a breakup the right way, here are some valuable lessons it can teach you.

1. It teaches you how to watch out for signs (red flags) before giving your heart to someone.
2. It teaches you how to know when to start withdrawing your heart when someone you love begins to act differently.
3. It makes you understand what mutual love is about.
4. It makes you understand forcing yourself on anyone will leave you hurt.
5. It makes you focus on yourself and self-improvement.
6. It makes you realize the strong need to find someone who matches your standards, and not compromise for anyone.
7. It makes you open to accepting change, as someone who claimed to love you can say the exact opposite at any moment.
8. It makes you see that nothing much can keep a person who has decided to leave your life.
9. It makes you more focused on finding commitment rather than someone who is not ready to build with you.
10. Healing takes time.

When to Consult a Therapist

As a relationship therapist, I have helped several people in their process of healing from a relationship breakup. Sometimes, repeated breakups can make you lose all your energy and make you feel like you can’t do it by yourself.

First breakups can also be very traumatizing, which is why I advise people to prioritize healing fully before moving into a new relationship to prevent repeat breakups in quick succession.

Also, a breakup can lead to serious identity crises and personality changes, where one begins to feel worthless about life, asking questions like, “Who am I without him/her”. The likelihood of this happening after a breakup is higher when one is very committed to the relationship.^[15]The Impact of Romantic Breakup on the Self-Concept – Sagepub Journal

Talking with a relationship therapist who understands how to make you feel better is important in recovering from a breakup. A therapist knows how to handle the blame for you while you focus on healing, in other words, they help you realize that you don’t have to blame yourself for someone who doesn’t deserve to be with you.

Consulting a relationship therapist when you are going through a breakup can make the process easier and make the recovery faster. A therapist keeps your information confidential and listens to you in an unbiased and empathic manner. So, instead of discussing your breakup with just anyone without adequate knowledge of breakups and post-breakup healing, consult a therapist instead.

Final words

Getting over a breakup can be quite difficult and time-requiring but going through the process of healing can make you a better and more mature person. Post-breakup healing can improve your life emotionally, physically, and in several other aspects. By focusing on yourself, you learn important lessons you could not have learned any other way.

It is important to remember that while it may look long to move on after a breakup, with the right mindset and actions, you can heal in the fastest possible time. Studies have estimated an average of 3 months to get over a breakup but if you understand and apply these steps above, you can move on faster than you imagined.

One step after another. It’s a journey towards finding the one who is meant for you. You deserve better, and I know you will find someone who will value you as much as you value him or her.