10 Red Flags in a Relationship You Should Never Ignore

Red flags in a relationship are warning signs that should prompt you to quit a relationship when present. They are early warning signs of potential toxicity in the relationship, which can potentially rob you of your peace and happiness or jeopardize your safety in the relationship.

While red flags are fairly easy to spot in most relationships, many people still fall victim to toxic partners despite seeing the red flags signs early in the relationship. These people often ignore these red flags thinking that they may not be real or that their partner would quit exhibiting such behavior as they get along. More often than not, those red flags eventually become full-blown in the relationship leading to more serious issues down the line.

In this post, we will examine major red flags to never ignore in a relationship, and what to do when you notice them at any point in your relationship.

10 Red Flags to Never Ignore in a Relationship

These red flags should not be ignored when noticed in a relationship because they signal toxicity or uncertainty in the relationship. Being in a relationship with someone who is acting in an unhealthy way or not showing commitment to the relationship should definitely signal you to exit as soon as you can.

Here, we see 10 proven red flags no one should ever ignore in a relationship.

1. Dishonesty

Honesty is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and a lack of it in a relationship should signal a warning sign to leave that relationship. Dishonesty creates an unhealthy environment in the relationship which can make you unhappy and unsatisfied now and later in that relationship.

If you notice that your partner consistently hides important things from you, or does not provide answers to your spoken or unspoken questions, it shows they don’t care whether your curiosity is satisfied or not. An honest partner would do their bid to provide answers to your questions so as not to leave the air filled with uncertainties.

Another way dishonesty can play out as a red flag in a relationship is if they don’t honestly express their interest in the relationship. One study described this red flag as a situationship or open relationship and described this as partners who like each other, engage in romantic behavior, or act like they are dating when one or both partners are not honest enough to declare their stand in the relationship.^[1]Tissa Zhafira. 2024. Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships: The First Step to Avoiding Toxic Relationships – ResearchGate

2. Abusive behavior

A 2022 study in Hungary identified abusive behaviors as dealbreaker signs people should look out for in a relationship, which suggests that these signs could play a role in mate selection in collaboration with dealmakers or green flags.^[2]Seven deadly sins of potential romantic partners: The dealbreakers of mate choice – ScienceDirect

Physical and emotional abuse rank high on the list of things to consider red flags in a relationship. Saskia et al. discussed that physical violence and verbal abuse are toxic behaviors that cause physical or emotional harm and must not be ignored.^[3]Ibid. Tissa, 2024

When physical violence occurs during dating, it is referred to as dating violence which is also recognized as a punishable offense in several countries of the world due to effects against one’s safety, peace, and happiness in the relationship. Thus, any form of abuse early in the relationship is a red flag that should never be ignored.

3. Narcissism

Narcissism is a trait that is strongly associated with toxicity and unhealthiness in relationships where it is found. It has been included as a personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorders – NPD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) where is described using nine criteria. While narcissism is a personality trait that can be present in varying degrees in individuals, a diagnosis of NPD can be made in the presence of at least 5 out of nine criteria.^[4]King, John W. (2011) “Narcissism in Romantic Relationships: An Analysis of Couples’ Behavior during Disagreements,” Kaleidoscope: Vol. 10, Article 11. Available at: … Continue reading

The nine signs of a narcissistic personality include the following:

• Exhibiting a grandiose sense of self-importance (boastful) where they overestimate or inflate their abilities or accomplishments.
• Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
• Belief that they are superior, special, or unique, and expect others to recognize them as such.
• Fragile self-esteem, thus requiring excess admiration, seeking constant attention, and frequently “fishing for compliments”.
• Having an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment, becoming upset when others do not cater to them.
• Frequently exploiting others to get what they want or need, no matter the consequences, and forming friendships only to advance oneself.
• Lack of reciprocal interest as a result of lack of empathy regarding the feelings of others.
• Envious of others or believe others are envious of them.
• Exhibiting arrogant, haughty, or snobbish behaviors.

Any of the above can be regarded as a narcissistic trait, but the presence of up to five qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Narcissism, whether as a trait or as a disorder is a sufficient red flag that should never be ignored because it tends to produce toxicity in any relationship where it is found. An example of narcissistic behavior is having a partner who, instead of seeing reasons for what you are saying, finds ways to defend themselves because they cannot be seen to be defeated.

4. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative behavior used to maintain control in a relationship by actively denying true statements in a way that makes the victim begin to doubt their sanity. In other words, gaslighting makes you question your reality or sanity, and it is a red flag behavior that should alert you to reconsider your stand immediately when discovered in a new partner.^[5]Ibid. Tissa Zhafira. 2024

If after a confrontation with your new partner, you frequently question your memory or actions as though you can’t remember exactly what happened earlier, they may be gaslighting you to maintain control in the relationship. This is not an experience you want to carry on into the relationship/marriage. It is a psychological abuse that undermines your self-confidence and self-worth.

A gaslighting partner would also demonstrate measures to socially separate you from friends and family to maximally assert their control and make you feel like you are going insane. This could be through excessive jealousy, expression of distaste for your friends’ opinions, and questioning why you are friends with them.^[6]Klein, Willis & Wood, Suzanne & Li, Sherry. (2022). A Qualitative Analysis of Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships. 10.31234/osf.io/cjrpq.

For a fact, gaslighting is a red flag you should never ignore when you see the signs. People who recovered from gaslighting often emphasized the importance of separation from the perpetrator, prioritization of healthier relationships, and engaging in meaningful and re-embodying activities.^[7]Ibid. Klein, et al., 2022

5. Selfishness

Selfishness is a red flag that can potentially affect the dynamics of the relationship and the future family if ignored at these early stages. It is an inherent behavior to avoid sharing resources with one’s partner or dependents.

According to a study on red flags in a relationship, selfishness was described as the group of apathetic partners who are unwilling to invest in their partners and their offspring.^[8]Zsófia Csajbók, Kaitlyn P. White, & Peter K. Jonason. Six “red flags” in relationships: From being dangerous to gross and being apathetic to unmotivated, Personality and Individual … Continue reading This signals an unhealthy experience where children and a partner are deprived of necessary requirements or requesting for a need becomes an issue of conflict in the family.

Selfishness is a red flag when discovered early in the relationship. It can bring unhappiness and dissatisfaction in the relationship. Hence, you should never ignore this red flag when you see it in a partner.

6. Substance abuse

Substance abuse and addiction set up a chain of lack of personal control, emotional lability, health problems that affect relationship/sexual performance, and aggressive and abnormal behaviors that can affect the stability of the relationship in the future. Substance abuse makes up 40-60% of abusive relationships, research cited.^[9]Toxic Relationships and Addiction – Gateway Addiction Rehab

Substance abuse can predispose to violent behaviors, as well as numb emotions or judgment, which can make the partner take certain actions they would not be proud of shortly after the effects wear down. This often means the victim partner would always have to deal with such intentional or drug-induced actions.

If you are new in the relationship, substance use or abuse is a red flag you should not ignore, particularly if your partner is not open about it or not willing to quit. The absoluteness of substance abuse being a red flag is dependent on your values towards substance use and whether you use a substance too or not.

7. Zero Motivation

Zsofia et al., 2023 also listed unmotivated as a dealbreaker factor or red flag identified from a study of 285 American college students. It was mentioned that women should view cues to being unmotivated or apathetic, more than men, as more problematic because it signals that the man is unlikely to be able or willing to invest in her and her offspring.

Provision is an evolutionary adaptation of human males to meet the needs of their families. This desire often fuels men’s motivation to succeed, reflecting ambitiousness and hard work. The absence of motivation often means that such a person has no hopes for the future, which can be a disastrous red flag you must not ignore if discovered early in the relationship.

One other important marker of zero motivation is the attitude of making excuses for important things instead of taking responsibility to get things done. When you see these, run without looking back. Not only will such a person deprive you of basic needs in the home, but they would also add to your mental stress in the relationship and family.

8. Possessiveness

Possessiveness is a behavior of excessive control.  It includes acts like restricting activities or social interactions with friends and family, limiting personal freedom, and even controlling finances and life decisions in a rather authoritative way.

It has been considered a form of abuse because it causes feelings of hopelessness, emasculation (for males), and discomfort, and manifests as excessive jealousy, insecurity, resentment, and inability to handle long-distance relationships (LDR). However, individuals in the situation often misinterpret this possessive attitude as a sign of affection without realizing that this behavior is actually a red flag.^[10]Ibid., Tissa, 2024

9. Close-mindedness

Close-mindedness describes someone who is so fixated on who or what they are that they are not ready to change no matter how much evidence is presented before them. It describes a state of psychological rigidity that is unhealthy and potentially toxic when seen in a relationship partner.

The axiom “No one is perfect” holds true if we are all true to ourselves, and everyone should be open to learning new things, improving ourselves, and accepting that we are not always right or perfect in any sense of the word.

While this close-mindedness may look like an innocuous trait, it can be a red flag in a relationship, especially if you truly desire a peaceful and progressive relationship. It can affect your would-be partner’s personal and character development, and productivity, which can indirectly affect you if you end up with them.

A close-minded partner would act in ways that suggest they don’t need anyone to correct them for any of their actions, no matter what it is. They would treat others harshly for doing things differently, and this can come off as a toxic trait in a relationship, thus, a red flag that should not be ignored.

10. Promiscuity

From Zsofia’s study on 285 American students above, promiscuity ranked among the top five deal-breakers for the respondents. Factors influencing the seriousness of promiscuity as a deal-breaking red flag include the duration of the relationship and the individual’s gender.

For short-term relationships, men view promiscuity as a more significant deal-breaker compared to women, while women view lack of motivation as a stronger red flag than promiscuity, the study showed. However, this does not negate the fact that promiscuity is a red flag for both short-term and long-term relationships.^[11]Ibid, Zsofia, 2023

If your partner frolics with several different people in the acts of promiscuity, this is a red flag you should not ignore. Promiscuity carries a risk of emotional pain, lack of trust, difficulty maintaining a relationship, and marital dissatisfaction.

How to Deal With Red Flags in a Relationship

Finding red flags in a relationship should alert you to reconsider whether or not you can proceed in the relationship. Of course, no one is a perfect hundred but you need to define what you cannot absolutely cope with in your relationship.

The above red flags are examples of signals I think should make you strictly reconsider the relationship. Here is how to deal with red flags in a relationship.

1. Verify the red flag

Relationship red flags are often not hard to spot, but when you notice a resolvable red flag, it might be wise to give it a second look. But if the behavior poses an immediate risk to your life or well-being, it should be an immediate deal-breaker.

Some behaviors, when they occur as a one-time event, may not be a deal-breaker even when it is undesirable, for example, lack of motivation may be a temporary issue related to the individual’s current state of mind; while others may out-rightly be a red flag, for example, physical abuse, or substance use especially when it strictly contradicts your personal values.

2. Be honest with yourself

Once you spot a red flag, avoid rationalizing or compromising for it. If it is a deal-breaker for you, be honest with yourself instead of giving yourself lame excuses.

3. Communicate your feelings

When dealing with a red flag in a relationship, communication is one of the most important ways to address the issue. Initiate a calm discussion with your partner and discuss the issue with him/her, using “I” statements. Engaging in effective communication will help you know if it is something that can be addressed or not.

4. Seek professional help

If you are unable to resolve within you what you want in the relationship, even after an engaging discussion with your partner, you might need to seek professional help who would not only help you define the red flags in your relationship but offer you helpful insights into how to deal with them.

5. Know when to quit

Depending on the nature of the red flag, you need to know when to quit the relationship to avoid risking your safety, and general, and psychological well-being. Quitting a relationship might be necessary immediately after noticing a red flag (that is a deal-breaker), other times, a later time might be more suitable.

Distinguishing Red Flags From Yellow and Green Flags

As discussed, red flags are serious warning signs that represent fundamental incompatibilities between values, beliefs, and personality, which may reflect toxicity tendencies in a relationship. Red flags are hard to change and attempting to do so may lead to a huge conflict or serious disagreement.

Unlike red flags, yellow flags are less severe attributes or traits that could be improved upon. They are likely to be resolved with mutual understanding and effective communication, particularly when the partners are open to making changes or improving themselves.

Green flags are positive signs of emotional maturity, compatibility, and stability, reflecting important indicators that a relationship will be healthy and fruitful for both partners.

Common Mistakes People Make Relating to Red Flags

1. Not paying attention to red flags: As obvious as red flags often are, many people pay less attention to them, and then end up entering the relationship despite seeing the red flags. Avoid getting carried away by emotions and/or attraction when you see an obvious red flag.
2. Making excuses for the red flags: Some people actually make excuses for their toxic partner instead of taking the actions suggested above. This may cause them unhappiness and satisfaction in the relationship down the line.
3. Thinking that you can change a red flag: Spotting a red flag should make you take a step back and observe more carefully, rather than trying to step in to change the person. It is not your job to try to change anyone because you like them as that oftentimes go wrongly.

Final words

Relationship red flags are not things you should ignore or gloss over as unimportant. They are often not hard to spot but deciding to take the necessary actions is where most people find themselves defaulting.

This post shows you 10 red flags in a relationship you should not ignore for your peace of mind, emotional and physical safety, and happiness in your relationship. Let me know in the comments section below if you have a contrary opinion to any of the above relationship red flags.

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