When it comes to finding a suitable partner, it’s not just about the looks and material things. Physical appearance and attraction are important in finding love but there are more important things to look out for.
Red flags in a relationship are those things that can and should make you reconsider your decision to go ahead in a relationship. They are important early signs that show a potential for an unhealthy or toxic relationship, and they signal serious challenges that would rob you of your peace and harmony in the relationship. Hence, should be detected early and not ignored.
It is not hard to identify red flags in a relationship but many people often ignore them in the name of love. Failure to respond appropriately to red flags in a relationship could cause great pain, unhappiness in marriage, and eventual divorce or separation. For these reasons, it is pertinent to identify common red flags in a relationship before getting into anything serious.
While not every sign is a red flag, some less severe signs (known as yellow signs) can be tolerated. In this post, I have handpicked some important red flag signs you should not ignore in your relationship.
Relationship Red Flags You Should Not Ignore
Red flags in a relationship are important negatives you should pay attention to because not only will they affect your peace and happiness in the relationship, but also because they are not likely to change or improve. In other words, the biggest red flag is finding someone who is severely opposed to changing their behaviours even when they give them a reason to change.
1. Dishonesty
Honesty is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. A lack of it is a red flag that can create a chain of problems in a relationship.
A dishonest person will try to hide things or say things in ways that make you question their actions or what they say. They are not obviously not straightforward but you just want to put up with them for who they are for peace to reign.
Being dishonest makes them lose your trust. You no longer take their words seriously and can also make you start feeling insecure in the relationship. Eventually, dishonesty will lead to an inevitable dissolution of the relationship.
As basic as it may sound, dishonesty is one important relationship red flag you should run away from. When you see signs of persistent dishonesty in a partner, that is enough reason to reconsider your relationship with them. There is nothing sweeter than being with someone who shares a genuine bond of trust and love with you.
2. Unwillingness to learn/change
This, in my opinion, is the most essential characteristic of red flags. It is what differentiates red flags from yellow flags because it signals that the person is not willing to change or improve, or that your influence will not be sufficient to change them.
It is often safer to assume that you can’t change anybody, especially an adult. Once you see any red or yellow flags, you should begin to reconsider and weigh your options to see if you should stay or not.
However, when you raise up a matter that needs to be addressed and the person consistently shows signs that they are unwilling to change, that is a major red flag you should never ignore.
Not being willing to learn or change can affect other aspects of a person’s life like personal development, character and behavioural development, productivity and family life. These not only affect their lives but also affect other people close to them in ways they cannot imagine.
3. Lack of submissiveness
Submissiveness is the idea of taking someone else to be more important. It is an important virtue in every human relationship including marital/romantic relationships because most human social problems are borne out of people’s struggle to oppress and trample on other people.
When you esteem others above yourself, they naturally esteem you above themselves in turn. That way, there is peace and harmony. Someone who is not submissive will make you try to raise your ego to theirs. That is often not a sign of an healthy relationship.
Submissiveness also helps in resolving conflicts that may arise in the relationship. You don’t always have to be right, even when you are right.
Submissiveness is not only for one of the partners. Both of you should be submissive to each other for peace to reign at all times. Know when to fall down for the other person. When they see that you are willing to let your pride go for them, it will make them come back to raise you up in love.
Lack of submissiveness is a relationship red flag you should not ignore, as it can result in disharmony, pride, and strife in the relationship.
4. Having no future ambitions
Everyone should have a plan for their future. You are more likely to succeed if you have a future ambition than if you simply lived your life to fate. Not having a clear purpose not only puts your life at risk but also affects those around you.
Finding a partner who has no future ambition is a major red flag. You won’t be able to teach them to have an ambition when they never had one. But if they have ambitions, you can easily assist them in achieving their goals.
Even though future ambitions are more emphasized for men who are the potential breadwinners of the home, everyone should have a plan for their future. That way, you can easily see if their plans align with yours or not. This is a determinant of compatibility.
5. The excuse maker
Making excuses for everything is a major red flag you should not look down on in your relationship. Excuse makers never gets anything done; they can’t make anything else other than excuses.
There is always going to be a logical excuse for everything; anyone can come up with something that makes sense. But while creative and responsible people do not look out for excuses, excuse makers depend on excuses for survival.
Living with someone who makes excuses all the time can be very frustrating and difficult. Nothing you ask of them gets accomplished, adding to your burden in the relationship instead of lightening up your stress or helping you out.
You should not ignore the habit of making excuses because if you end up with that partner, they would significantly slow down your progress in life, finances, and professional development.
6. Selfishness
Selfishness is another relationship red flag you should not ignore. It is the deliberate act of withholding one’s property from other people because you don’t want anybody else to possess it.
A selfish person would rather their property go to waste than watch someone else use or own it even when he/she does not have the mind to put it to use anytime soon. They find it hard to give out something even when someone else’s life depends on it at that time.
You don’t want to be a selfish partner, and neither do you want to end up with such a partner. Selfishness can bring much unhappiness to you in the union if not worked on, thus a major red flag you should not ignore.
7. Narcissism
Narcissism is when someone is very focused on themselves and thinks they are more important than others. They might talk a lot about themselves, and seek attention and admiration from other people without caring about or trying to understand other people’s feelings.
Narcissists have big egos and can be selfish or lack empathy towards others. Thus, being in a relationship with a narcissist can be very exhausting and traumatizing.
Rather than see reasons with you, a narcissist will always consider his/her needs more important than yours. This is a show of selfishness as discussed earlier. Finding out that he/she is perpetually uninterested in understanding you or seeing things from your perspective is a red flag you should not ignore for any reason. Putting up with that will eventually cost you so much joy and happiness in your relationship.
8. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the act of manipulating someone to think they are insane or doubtful of their intentions. A gaslighting person devises manipulative tactics to make you question your reality or why you took certain actions.
They do things to provoke you to anger, and when you react, they subtly change the narrative that you are only overreacting to things you should respond that way to.
It is not so hard to spot a gaslighter but they constantly find ways to make you believe that you are over-thinking things. To learn more about gaslighting, read this post on gaslighting in friendship.
9. Physical or emotional abuse
It is one of the weirdest things to see people who put up with someone who physically or emotionally abuse them easily in the relationship and later face the same thing after marriage. But the sad truth is most of those people ignore this red flag thinking it is something that can be worked on later on.
Someone who physically or emotionally abuses you during dating is not likely to change overnight when you settle down with them. It also means they do not respect you enough.
You should not waste any time considering whether to settle down with such a person who physically or emotionally abuses you.
10. Substance abuse
The worst thing about substance abuse is that it sets up a cycle of addiction, dependence, and inability to stop without withdrawal symptoms. Psychogenic substances and alcohol affect your brain and neurotransmitter systems. And while they temporarily gives a feeling of high and/or lows, they can also affect behaviours, productivity, performance, and character in the relationship.
If you are not a substance addict, you should have no business settling down with someone who is. As a matter of fact, if you are, you should actively look for ways to call it quits.
Red Flags vs Yellow Flags vs Green Flags
You might ask “What’s special about the red flags from other signs people show in a relationship?”. How do red flags differ from yellow flags?
As mentioned somewhere in the post above, the most important distinction between red flags and yellow flags is that red flags are usually things you cannot control or change in the other person. They are likely ingrained attitudes or behaviours that requires the conscious will of the person to change.
Trying to change a red flag in someone is going to result in a huge quarrel and conflict. So, you are going to have to put up with it for the rest of your life if you eventually settle with them, unless they decide to change by themselves.
Yellow flags are minor things you can discuss with the other person and they can easily work on. For example, someone who does not know how to clean the home can be taught how to do so but someone who is habitually dirty will require a lot of effort to make them develop a habit of cleanliness.
Green flags are attributes or attitudes to look out for in a partner as they are pointers to emotional and physical maturity in your partner. They are signs of healthy, productive, and understanding behaviour in a partner necessary for a blissful relationship and marriage. While you look out for red flags in a relationship, you should also put an eye on the green flags as well.
How to Handle Red Flags in a Relationship
Handling red flags in a relationship requires the same approach as in handling other kind of relationship issues. You want to first confirm that the issue is a repeatable one, and that it cannot be stopped before you take any drastic decisions.
1. Verify the red flag
To verify a red flag, you need to have noticed a recurrence in the attitude or behaviour, not just a one-time thing. No one is perfect and every relationship has its ups and downs. Being able to tolerate certain things is therefore an important thing to do. However, when your partner displays and unpleasant attitude two or more times, it becomes a red flag.
2. Be honest with yourself
While the definition of red flag may seem universal, red flags are also subjective. What could be a red flag for you may not be a red flag for another person. It is therefore important to understand yourself and stay true to yourself about what you can’t tolerate or not.
3. Communicate
Communication is key when dealing with red flags. You should be open enough to discuss your concerns with your partner in a way that expresses what you feel about them. When communicating, you should look out for feedback if your partner is interested in improving or changing, and if they have what it takes to effect that change.
4. Discuss with a professional
It is often required to consult a third-party when you have tried all you can without success. A professional relationship consultant will help you understand yourself and offer helpful insights on how to handle relationship red flags. Even thought their services come at a fee, it will be worth it in dealing with relationship red flags in your partners.
5. Know when to quit
While you should do your best to address the red flag and make your partner change, you should also know when to stop trying. After doing all you can and your partner is still displaying the red flag(s), you should call it quits. It is better to end it now that to face severe pain and hurt later in the relationship.
Common Red Flag Mistakes People Make
When it comes to identifying and dealing with red flags, here are some common mistakes many people make that could make them suffer some consequences related to the red flag(s).
- Not paying attention to red flags: Don’t get carried away by emotions and attraction to not pay attention to red flags. Be clear on what you want and what you don’t want rather than going with the flow of emotions only.
- Making excuses for the red flags: Some people who successfully identifies major red flags later fall victim to them by making excused for the red flags instead of taking drastic actions concerning them. Don’t make excuses for someone else’s inefficiency. If you are not okay with it, do your best to let them know and if it persists, know when to leave.
- Believing that you can change someone: Many people believe they can change someone. But while that is true, accepting a red flag because you believe you can change the person now or later is a grave mistake many people have regretted ever making. There is only so much you can do to change someone if they do not want to change, themselves.
Final words
Relationship red flags are not things you should just gloss over as unimportant. You not only have to make conscious efforts to identify them but also take the necessary action to handle them when you see them.
Ignoring red flags in a relationship can come with grace consequences, unrest, disharmony, unhappiness, unsatisfaction, which can all end in separation or divorce. Hence the need to identify and nip them in the bud while there is still time.
FAQs on Red Flags in Relationships
What differentiates red flags from other negative behaviours?
The major characteristic that differentiates red flags from other behaviours is that they are tell-tale signs of toxicity in a relationship. For example, physical abuse in a relationship is both an act of immaturity and a lack of respect for the victim. Also, red flags are behaviours that have been ingrained with the person's character such that it is difficult for them to change it easily.
What is the biggest red flag in a relationship?
Abusive and manipulative behaviours have been regarded as the biggest red flags in a relationship. These could be physical abuse, gaslighting, narcissism or other forms of emotional abuse. They directly deal a significant blow to the victim's life and personality.
