Has anyone told you that you are a bad listener? Or did you recently realize that you don’t remember over half of what people say after[1] they are done talking? Don’t worry. It’s not as bad as you think.
We all have our moments of distraction; when we are temporarily caught out of reality. Thoughts about certain aspects of our lives can make us absent-minded sometimes and miss out on important messages someone is trying to communicate to us. But some clear signs suggest that you are a bad listener.
In this post, I will show you those signs of a bad listener. If you have these signs, it would mean that they are right about you being a bad listener. But not to worry still. I will show you how to improve your listening.
Importance of Being a Good Listener
The ability to listen effectively is a great requirement for success in relationships, leadership, business, social interactions, and so on. It is an essential component of effective communication and it has applications in building friendships and relationships, as well as in conflict prevention and resolution.
Some specific importance of good listening are as follows.
- Listening helps to build trust and understanding with others
- It helps to enhance connection and bond between partners
- It makes other people feel respected and respect you in return
- It leads to stronger and more positive relationships
- Listening helps to resolve conflicts
- It helps to improve communication in personal and/or romantic relationships
- Listening leads to more effective teamwork and better problem-solving
- Listening helps to enhance team productivity
- Listening improves customer satisfaction in the business place
- It is important in negotiations and managing employees, colleagues, and clients
- It helps you understand what you are being taught at school or work
7 Signs You Are a Bad Listener And How to Change
If you have these signs, it might mean that you are actually not a good listener. Here are the signs you are a bad listener and what you can do to improve.
1. Interrupting others while they are speaking
One of the clearest signs that you are a bad listener is if you always find yourself interrupting others while they are still speaking. It is often normal for people to try to speak when someone else is still talking but great listeners train themselves to resist the urge to interrupt.
One of the most common reasons why you may be impatient when listening to someone is if they are saying things in a harsh way or in a way that stimulates you to interject. However, you must always tell yourself that it is your turn to speak.
Your goal should be to understand what the other person is saying, irrespective of how they say it. When you interrupt them, it makes them feel like you don’t want them to express themselves. That way, they won’t want to listen to you too.
It is therefore important to stay calm to listen to the other person when they are speaking even when their words seem to annoy you or stimulate you to want to speak.
2. People complain about the one-sidedness of your conversations
If people are complaining that you do not listen to them when they are talking with you, it could be a sign that you not listening effectively. This does not mean that you are not hearing what they are saying but you need to understand that there are other aspects of listening you need to incorporate into it to make them assured that you actually are.
When someone says you are listening to me, one of two things could be the case. Firstly, it could mean that the person is someone who always wants undivided attention and always wants to speak while you just listen. Second, it could mean that you are dismissive in your attitude when listening.
A good conversation involving two mature people who understand what effective listening is can be described as a ping-pong ball. One person speaks, passes the ball to the other and the other picks up from there.
The key is that even when speaking, you should listen to the other person and observe their gestures for when they too want to speak and you have said your most important stuff at the time.
3. Planning what to say while the other is speaking
If you find yourself planning what you will say while the other person is still speaking, you are not listening properly. Effective listening should be to understand the other person’s idea and perspective, not to listen to plan how to launch the next attack.
Instead of thinking about how you will challenge everything the other person is saying, think about what they are saying and try to make meaning out of them. Thinking too hard on your responses is a sign that you are a bad listener, especially when you are confrontational.
4. You feel attacked by the other person’s point
Some speakers directly attack you with what they but not all speakers do that. A reasonable person will speak their mind without irritating or triggering you into anger. However, even the mildest speech can still trigger a bad listener to respond harshly.
If you often see conversations as a competition, as though they are trying to antagonize you and you have to prove a point, you might be an impatient listener. You should not take conversations as competitions or debates but as a means to understand each other’s point of view.
Also, you should understand that you don’t always have to be right in every conversation. Calmly accept when they offer a view that is better than yours. It doesn’t make you less of anything. While you try to make your point, listening to the others will help you see their point of view and understand their own context in the conversation.
5. You attack every word instead of focusing on entire statements
In every conversation, individual words or phrases can carry a different meaning from the overall statements. You should focus on the overall statements before arriving at a conclusion.
It is important to put words and statements into context. This is because the same word said differently can mean different things. Always listen to take the situation and circumstances into consideration before proceeding to give a conclusion.
A poor listener does not listen to understand. Other language inputs that can enhance understanding are facial expressions, gestures, body language, and voice tone when speaking. You need to listen well to those as well.
6. Changing topics in the middle of the conversation
Changing topics in the middle of a conversation is another sign of bad listening. It shows that you are not fully engaged in the conversation and are not interested in what the speaker has to say. It also indicates that you are not paying attention to the speaker’s message, or that you’ve already formed an opinion about the topic.
Changing topics in the middle of a conversation can disrupt the flow and make it difficult for the speaker to effectively communicate their message, leading to a break in communication. It can also create a sense of discomfort and tension for the speaker making them unwilling to express themselves further.
It is important to keep track of your partner’s topic before making your contribution so that your words will stay relevant to the conversation and make more meaning to the other person.
7. Not asking follow-up questions
Not asking questions after listening usually means one of two things. It is either you understand everything that is said or you do not understand anything at all. Asking follow-up questions shows that you were paying attention to the speaker.
Asking follow-up questions also signals to the speaker that you have a desire to understand what they are trying to communicate, which is what active listening is all about.
Follow-up questions come naturally when you are actively listening because you will always find grey areas you are not very clear with. If it is something you consider very important, you might then want to ask for better clarity.
8. Not giving cues
One special thing about active listening is that it also requires you to assure the speaker that you are really listening. Non-verbal cues like nodding, facial expression in consent or dissent, and maintaining eye contact.
Not giving these non-verbal cues to the speaker signifies that you are not actively listening to what they are saying even when you are. It is also worth noting that non-verbal cues come instinctively if you are actively listening. That means not showing them means your attention is divided.
9. Not paying attention to the speaker’s body language
Not paying attention to the speaker’s body language and facial expression is a classic sign of a bad listener. To get the full message, you should listen to the speaker while paying attention to their non-verbal cues as well.
This is to emphasize that listening is also a two-way thing. As the primary listener, you listen to the words as well as the non-verbal cues but as the speaker, you should listen to the non-verbal cues of the listener to understand what they feel about your words and what they don’t agree with.
Getting a full context of the speaker’s message requires listening to their gestures, facial expressions, changes in posture, changes in voice tone, etc.
10. Being too quick to offer solutions
This is particularly seen in relationship or counselling sessions when someone is presenting you with a problem. Whether you have had similar stories in the past, you should take every case as peculiar and listen with rapt attention before offering solutions.
While showing that you are well-experienced and providing quick solutions is a good thing in itself, not showing the speaker that you understand their context will make them not take to your advice or suggestions even if they could be helpful.
If you find yourself offering solutions without listening fully, it can rob you of the opportunity to empathize with their feelings or understand the root cause of their problem, and this can make your solution less accurate or make them have less confidence in it.
Basic Tips For Being a Good Listener
To become a good listener, you should try these helpful tips below.
- Pay attention: Give the speaker your full attention and avoid distractions, such as looking at your phone or thinking about something else.
- Be present: Be present in the moment, don’t be absent-minded and focus on the speaker and their message.
- Show interest: Use nonverbal cues, such as nodding, maintaining eye contact, and responding appropriately to indicate that you are engaged and interested in the conversation.
- Ask questions: Ask follow-up questions to gain a deeper understanding of the speaker’s message and to show that you are interested in their thoughts and feelings.
- Listen actively: Listen actively by paraphrasing, summarizing and rephrasing what the speaker is saying, this shows that you are following their message and trying to understand their perspective
- Avoid interrupting: Let the speaker finish their thoughts before responding, and avoid interrupting or talking over them. If you are going to interrupt, try to repeat what you think the speaker was trying to say to ensure that you grabbed it before moving on.
- Show empathy: Try to understand the speaker’s perspective and feelings, and respond in an empathetic and supportive way.
- Keep the solution for last: Avoid jumping to solutions too quickly, and take the time to understand the speaker’s message before offering suggestions
