“The three loves theory” is one that has been widely talked about by psychologists and relationship counselors even though its exact origin is not clear. It has been believed that we fall in love three times in our lifetime, these three times signifying phases of emotional maturity as we come to fully understand what love truly is.
Authors like Jed Diamond, Barbara De Angelis (PhD), and Elizabeth Gilbert have talked about emotional development through different relationship experiences, lending some support on important phases love goes through for every one of us. However, the most recent and influential proponent of the three-love theory is Kate Rose.
Kate Rose is a writer and relationship coach who is associated with popularizing the idea of the “three loves theory” in a modern context. In 2016, she published a sensational online article titled “We Only Fall In Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime—Each One for a Specific Reason” which she eventually published into a book titled “You Only Fall in Love Three Times: The Secret Search for Our Twin Flame” in 2020.[1]Kate Rose Says We Only Fall in Love With 3 People in Our Lifetime—Here’s Her Tips for Finding the Love That Lasts – Parade
In this post, you will learn about the “Three Loves Theory” and why we fall in love three times in our lifetime.
The Three Loves Theory
The three loves theory talks about the three times we all fall in love in our lifetime, each referring to a distinct emotional phase that reflects our understanding of what love actually is. “Falling in love with three people” is another terminology used to refer to the three distinct kinds of love we experience in our lifetime.
Though no single author has been associated with “inventing” the Three Loves Theory, we know what the three loves stand for. The theory emphasizes what lessons we learn from each of the phases of love we go through until we come to a full understanding of what “love” actually is.
1. The First Love: The Idealistic Love
The first love is the love we fantasize about. It is highly idealized in media, books, movies, and society’s notion of what love should look like.
The first love often occurs during youth or early adulthood, like a high school romance or your first serious relationship. You may not have had a real emotional connection with the person but you had hopes that the person would stay with you in the most romantic way ever.
When it occurs in adolescence or early adulthood, you may find yourself ‘crushing’ on someone and having fantasies about falling in love with them. This might make you do things to get close to the person because you think you love them.
In a relationship, the first love often manifests as thoughts about a blissful experience. However, this love does not last as it is unrealistic, and the other person might not feel a true connection in the relationship.
This love teaches us about passion, excitement, and fantasy, in ways that differentiate what the ‘ideal love’ is from what ‘real love’ is. Real love focuses more on a deep, authentic connection, rather than attractions and feels based on fantasies.
2. The Second Love: The Hard Love
This is the love that teaches us hard lessons about the harsh realities of relationships and helps us identify our emotional needs and boundaries. This love is about growth, understanding, and a search for what we truly want.
It may be marked by significant emotional highs and lows, dysfunction, or even heartbreak. This is when you recognize your emotional needs and love language. You often have high expectations in the relationship which leads you to realize the most important thing about love – that you don’t always have to satisfy all your expectations to sustain love.
The second love gives you the worst heartbreak you may ever experience in your lifetime but it opens you up to a better understanding of love. This love pushes us to evolve through difficult and painful emotional experiences, setting the stage for the third love, which is the love that comes naturally.
3. The Third Love: Unconditional Love
This is the love that lasts. It is the love that comes when we least expect it. At this point, we no longer perceive love as fairy tales or have high expectations about how our partner should serve us and our emotional needs.
The third love is based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional maturity. This relationship does not require us to conform to any of our preconceived ideas about love but rather teaches us what we never knew about love: that finding love does not have any strict formulae or methods.
It shows us what a healthy, balanced, and unconditional relationship looks like because you naturally connect with so much ease and mutuality. It may not start very remarkably (as a normal friendship, or a casual meeting without either of you thinking about falling in love) but it grows in the most remarkable way ever.
We don’t need to be perfect to be loved. You will find someone who deeply connects with you in ways you never imagined possible. You accept each other’s flaws, and focus more on building each other and the relationship, while also freely expressing your emotional needs and meeting each other’s needs.
Some say it is the love that keeps knocking regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
How Many Times We Really Fall in Love in Our Lifetime
We all naturally yearn for love. Finding love is a natural desire for everyone and the three loves theory shows us how nature teaches us what love is, different from what we know or previously think.
Though the three loves theory talks about falling in love three times in our lifetime, it does not categorically specify three exact times or specific people we fall in love. The experience might be more or less than three times numerically but it describes three phases we go through in the process of finding love.
You may cycle through any earlier phase of love with one or more partners until you fully grasp the lessons it is trying to teach. And you may end up with an old partner after you’ve both passed the test of the second love.
It therefore means, there might be no exact fixed number of times or people you fall in love, but these experiences of love give you a clearer idea of love than what you would otherwise learn from books or teachings only.
Kate Rose’s Description of the Soul Connections
In her discourse on the three loves in her book, Rose Kate highlights three important connections we may encounter in our journey through love and self-discovery. These she called ‘soul connections’.[2]Kate Rose. “You Only Fall in Love Three Times: The Secret Search for Our Twin Flame.” 2020
The soul connections represent deep transformative relationships that play significant roles in personal and emotional development. They are expressions of love at given stages of our love life and may share some analogy with one or more of the three loves discussed in the three-love theory above.
The soul connections are as follows:
1. The Karmic Love
The karmic love corresponds to the second love (hard love). It is the love that introduces us to a dream of what seems somewhat like a “happily ever after” story but is never meant to last. This love ends in intense pain, especially because you have some feeling that you have done what is necessary to make it work. It is the love that breaks us.
It is called “Karmic love” because it is believed to help partners address unresolved “karma” or past emotional experiences before moving forward to find fulfilling love.
2. The Soulmate Love
The soulmate love aligns with the third love (unexpected love). It is the love that shows us the easy, unconditional, and fulfilling nature of love. It comes into our lives when we least expected it, and it comes to stay.
It is called “Soulmate love” because it refers to a profound connection between two people who are perfectly attuned to each other on an emotional, spiritual, and sometimes even cosmic level. There is an unexplainable bond that gives rise to an easy and fulfilling relationship based on mutual understanding and respect.
3. The Twin Flame
The twin flame resembles aspects of both the second (karmic) and third (soulmate) love due to its transformative nature. It describes a type of relationship between two people who complement each other.
The twin flame suggests the idea of a single soul being split into two bodies, such that when twin flames meet, they experience a powerful bond like the third love. But unlike soulmate love, twin flame relationships often involve challenges as they both reflect on their strengths and weaknesses, with each partner determined to strive towards full personal growth and spiritual awakening in the relationship.
Do we really fall in love only three times in our lifetime?
The concept of the three-love theory is more symbolic than literal, as some people may experience more or fewer romantic relationship experiences before they find unconditional love However, these three phases of love represent phases or common patterns of emotional growth in relationships.
What do the three phases of love represent?
The three phases of love in the three-love theory represent specific phases of unique emotional experiences that teach us important lessons about ourselves, our expectations, our needs, and what love truly is. Not learning the required lessons might make one stuck in a single phase multiple times.
Each love provides unique experiences—idealistic love shows us fantasy, karmic love teaches us lessons through pain, and soulmate love helps us experience true, balanced connection.
Can I skip one and/or two stages of love to get to the third?
It is possible to skip a stage of love but this may affect personal and emotional growth. Each stage offers important lessons contributing to emotional maturity, making the third love more meaningful. Having fewer than three relationships does not necessarily mean you skipped a stage of love. As long as the lessons are learned, it is assumed that you have passed that stage.
How long would it take to find the third love?
There is no set timeline for finding the third love. It can happen quickly for some or take years, depending on individual growth and readiness to embrace a fulfilling relationship.
Final words
We fall in love three times in our lifetime each for a specific reason. These phases of love teach us important lessons about love in our journey toward full emotional development. Lessons learned, the third and unconditional love comes when you least expected it.
Comment in the section if you can relate to any of the ideas in this post, or let us know if you see yourself in any of the stages above. Also, if you have important lessons to share with others concerning how you attained emotional development, it will be very welcome by every one of us.
References
| ↑1 | Kate Rose Says We Only Fall in Love With 3 People in Our Lifetime—Here’s Her Tips for Finding the Love That Lasts – Parade |
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| ↑2 | Kate Rose. “You Only Fall in Love Three Times: The Secret Search for Our Twin Flame.” 2020 |
